Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
