Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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