Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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