you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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