Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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