wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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