i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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