she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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