I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
