so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
