I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
