Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
