don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
