This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
