i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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