An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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