just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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