Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Less talking, more tequila
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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