Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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