I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
