The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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