I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
