some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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