I faked an abortion last night.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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