wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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