I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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