You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
