So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
