she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
