Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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