I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
