Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
