Pappa wants mamma naked
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
