We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
