I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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