What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
