Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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