i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
