Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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