i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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