so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
