Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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