If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
