Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
