moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
