The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
