just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
