you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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