Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
