she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
