If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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