does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
