Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
