I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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