My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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